Suicide is a complicated topic, and all of us can think of someone we’ve known or loved who has died by suicide. While the subject can generate anxiety, it’s worth discussing it with those we love when we have concerns. The thought of a friend, coworker, or loved one talking about killing themselves or “wanting to die” can be terrifying, so it’s good to know how to have that conversation and where to turn for support.
1. Prepare Yourself
Before you talk to someone you are worried might passively or actively be considering suicide, it’s essential to do a couple of things. First, consider why you’re worried the person might be considering suicide and imagine how you might explain this concern to them. And then, gather a few resources and have them easily accessible in case you need them or need to offer them to the person during or after the conversation. Knowing that 988 can be texted or called 24/7 gives you or your friend a professional within a few strokes on your phone. See if there is a local crisis or walk-in center, and have resources ready and available. If you aren’t sure, call 988 ahead of time and ask what options you have if you learn your friend is suicidal.
2. Choose a Place
Choose a place that offers privacy and offers the person a way to respond and talk and feel however they need to without worrying what those around them may see or think. As much as possible, choose a space that might feel normal for the person or somewhere you might regularly go. If you always grab a coffee or know that they do, ask to meet for coffee and plan to go for a walk to a nearby park or some other more private location. Having the conversation in a public place (like a coffee shop or restaurant) may prevent them from sharing more honestly with you for fear of what others may think.
3. Share your Concerns
Offer concrete examples of why you’re concerned while ensuring you validate the pain, distress, or difficult circumstances you may know the person is facing. Mention warning signs you’ve noticed from the person, such as avoiding friends, neglecting appearance or hygiene, increased use of drugs or alcohol, conversations of worthlessness or hopelessness, giving away personal belongings or possessions, etc. During this part of the conversation, it’s essential to state why you’re concerned in nonjudgmental ways and reveal your awareness, care, and compassion for the person.
4. Ask the Question
Know this: asking about suicide does not cause suicide; instead, it can often save a life. So ask the question in a way that naturally flows in the conversation about what someone is dealing with. Don’t wait until the conversation is almost over or the person is halfway out the door. Use the word “suicide” so there is no confusion. Being direct lets the person know you are willing and able to talk about serious things with them. It’s CRITICAL to ask if someone is thinking about suicide in a way that begs a clear “yes” or “no” answer. It’s also vital to ask without suggesting a particular response is preferred. For example, DON’T SAY, “You’re not thinking about suicide, are you?”. Instead, DO SAY, “Are you considering killing yourself?” or “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”
5. Listen with Care
Don’t panic, and validate the seriousness someone may be feeling. Remember that while suicide is never a good option, you aren’t arguing with someone about feelings. Listen without judgment, and resist the urge to give advice. Remember that suicidal thoughts and behaviors are often brief and passing and regularly related to specific realities or circumstances. Listening to what is causing the pain (relational, financial, emotional stressors, etc.) helps you further show that you’re listening. It also allows you to better connect them with helpful resources. Remember that someone who tells you not to tell anyone they’re suicidal is a secret you cannot keep. Reach out to others for help, and you won’t bear the burden alone.
6. Instill Hope & Offer Resources
Managing your emotions and fears during the conversation can help keep the other person calm. When we project our fears or anxieties, it may cause them to shut us out or become more stressed. Remind them of your care and concern and that you will stay with them until you both find help. Provide the resources you prepared. Offer to make the call to 988 with them at that moment. Offer to go with them to their first counseling appointment or when they talk to their loved ones about what they are feeling. If you are worried about their safety or if they have already harmed themselves, call 911.
REFERENCES
1. IHS. (n.d.). How to talk about suicide; Recognizing and responding to suicide. Indian Health Service. Retrieved from
2. Reynolds, M. (n.d.). What do I say when someone is talking about suicide? Vanderbilt University Medical Center.
3. University of Colorado Boulder. (n.d.) Tips for talking about and preventing suicide. University of Colorado Boulder
